The biggest problem with long-distance relationships isn't that they're too hard. It’s that they're too easy.
Let me explain. Obviously, some aspects of long-distance relationships are harder. Decreased physical intimacy, lack of face-to-face communication, increased opportunity and/or temptation for either partner to be unfaithful, stress of traveling and managing schedules, and so on.
But some things easier, too. For example, if your girlfriend or wife lives hundreds or even thousands of miles away, you probably won’t fight with her much about who left the dishes out, who was late to the party, or where either of you were when you didn’t come home until 3 a.m. Neither person will ever need space. Annoying habits are much more manageable in short visits than they are day-to-day. Seeing each other becomes a celebration, which is going to produce a different picture of the two of you as a couple than if you were just experiencing day-to-day life together. It’s easy for both people to be on their “best behavior” for phone calls, Skype, and weekend visits.
This can be a problem, because eventually the two of you will need to be in the same city and when you are, you might find yourselves to be totally incompatible. And because the pace of long-distance relationships moves much more slowly than “normal” relationships, you might have wasted months or years of your dating life in long-distance limbo on your way to this disappointment. And because of a psychological process called “cognitive dissonance” you won’t want to admit, even to yourself, that you made a mistake.
(I talk about this in the Magic Bullets Handbook, my dating bible for men. Click here to get the free chapters of Magic Bullets).
Naturally, relationships where there's a history of being together in the same place can better survive long-distance interruptions than relationships that were always long-distance. This might sound obvious, but relationships that start as long-distance are more common than most people think. For example, a lot of people find it easier to meet people when traveling so they end up starting something with someone who doesn’t actually live near them. Or when you meet women online, you’re often not restricted by geography. That hot woman who shows up on your profile is as likely to be a plane ride away as she is a walk down the street.
(Tinder is an exception to this. For more, check out our article How To Meet Women on Tinder.)
But it’s not fate, or romance, or bad luck, if you’re on a dating site and you’re falling for a woman thousands of miles away. In fact, it’s exactly what you should expect if you don’t focus only on women near you. You have to filter. Just like it wouldn’t be bad luck if you dated someone with body odor. It just means that you didn’t have high enough standards to filter out certain women. The same applies to geography.
However, even these long-distance relationships can work, especially if there is a clear and specific plan to make the relationship not long-distance anymore. Clear and specific involves dates and plans, not that she will move “one day soon” or that you’ll move “when you’ve saved up enough money." A classic example is if one partner goes on deployment or has to be away temporarily for work. This clear and specific plan becomes your north star, your guiding light, the goal that gets you through the tough times and the challenges of a long-distance relationship.
Long-distance relationships can be a challenge, as well as a trap. But finding the right person to spend your life with is hard, too. So, consider my warnings and advice, but don’t be afraid to take some risks when the situation justifies it. Good luck!
Nick Savoy is the author of the Magic Bullets Handbook, president of Love Systems, and a frequent contributor to Men’s Fitness. Follow him on Twitter @LS_Savoy.